What issues matter most to redheads like me?

That’s not a question many people are asking these days, but it should be. From Napoleon Bonaparte to Winston Churchill, redheads have long held substantial political clout. This has always been especially true in America, a country that has elected seven redheaded presidents, even though only about 1 in 40 Americans has red hair. Indeed, five of America’s first eight presidents had red manes — including George Washington and Thomas Jefferson — as did Patrick Henry, General Marquis Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton and countless other American revolutionaries. So while some scholars talk about America’s “Christian founding,” it may be more accurate to call it a “redheaded founding.”

Sadly, America is no longer redhead-friendly. Redheads are no longer respected, and the issues that redheads care about are no longer addressed.

This needs to change. And it can. But first we need to answer the question: What issues matter most to redheads?

Ozone Depletion: The depletion of the ozone layer, a portion of the lower stratosphere that absorbs ultraviolet light, worries redheads because ultraviolet light can damage their DNA and give them skin cancer. All pale-skinned people are susceptible to skin cancer, but redheads are especially susceptible.

Climate Change: Redheads are worried about climate change because rising sea levels could eventually destroy redhead habitats, like Ireland and South Boston. This is disconcerting because, unlike fish, redheads cannot survive underwater.

Medical Marijuana: Studies suggest that redheads are more pain sensitive than non-redheads. As a result, redheads living in the 37 states where medical marijuana is illegal suffer through unconscionable pain.

Anti-Redhead Discrimination: Anecdotal evidence suggests that in recent years, anti-redhead prejudice — or “gingerism” — has reached new heights, even as Americans seem to have become less racist in general. Redheaded children are bullied in schools, redheaded women are fetishized in the media and redheaded men are mocked in the workplace. Gingerism has always been a problem in Great Britain, where in 2003 a Yorkshire man was stabbed three times in a gingeriest hate crime, but the fact that gingerism has reached America’s shores is deeply disturbing.

Demographic Decline: Skin cancer and the increasing diffusion of the gene that causes red hair are causing redheads to die out. According to one study, redheaded babies could disappear within 100 years. Though that estimate is almost certainly false, the claim that redheads are becoming less common might be true.

Fortunately, there are steps that can be taken to save the gingers.

First, the government can start subsidizing sunscreen. Sunscreen is the most effective way to protect against skin cancer, but for the average redhead, it is prohibitively expensive. Unbeknownst to most non-redheads, sunscreen can cost as much as $50 per ounce. At that price, a family of four that consumes four ounces of sunscreen per week will spend a total of $10,400 per year on the stuff. Middle-class redheads simply can’t afford sunscreen at those prices, and as a result, redheads are often faced with a stark choice: buy sunscreen and risk going bankrupt, or go without sunscreen and die.

Second — and this is even more important — we need to give tax incentives to redheads who choose to marry other redheads. Selective breeding may be the only way to stabilize the redhead population.

Finally, we need to focus the scientific community on a single scientific field: genetic engineering. Genetic engineering — the manipulation of an organism’s DNA — could be the saving grace of the redheaded race. One day it may be possible for parents to genetically engineer their children so that they are born with red hair. But that day lies decades in the future. In the meantime, society needs to invest heavily in genetic engineering.

Redhead extinction would be major loss for mankind and a major blow to civilization. It would mean no more George Washingtons or Thomas Jeffersons, no more Dwight Eisenhowers or Andrew Jacksons, and no more Lindsay Lohans or Kate Winslets.

Can you imagine such a world?

I can, but I’d rather not.

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