You’ve all heard of carbon offsets. You get to use as much energy as you want, then you pay someone in a third-world country to plant a few trees so you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Maybe if the Catholic Church had called its 16th Century products “sin offsets” instead of indulgences, they could have avoided the whole Reformation thing.

Al Gore loves offsets. He buys enough of them to make up for the 17,768 kilowatt-hours of electricity he used each month at his Nashville home in 2008. That’s over twenty times more than the average American household. It’s also the year after he completed a “green” renovation of his home to make it more energy efficient. Not annoyed by his hypocrisy yet? He also owns a 100-foot houseboat.

Fortunately, the D.C. Writeup has a solution for anybody who’s annoyed at supposed-environmentalists who use offsets to purchase their way out of blatant hypocrisy. We call them Carbon-Offset Offsets.

The concept is pretty simple. You pay us a modest sum of money and we release some carbon into the atmosphere to offset Gore’s offset. You can buy them for yourself, or better yet, give them to your annoyingly shrill friends as birthday gifts. We’ll even mail a custom certificate to the recipient so that he or she knows what a generous donation you’ve made.

If you’ve only got a little bit to spend on such a luxury, we’ll happily discharge the entire contents of an aerosol can for only a few dollars. If you’re looking to invest a little more money to make sure that the enviros don’t get to feel good about themselves, we offer more comprehensive packages.

For a $250 dollar donation, we’ll burn ten landfill tires in our backyard. For a mere $400 dollars, we’ll double it to twenty. Environmentalists always love it when you buy in bulk. If you’ll cover our legal fees, forest fires are not out of the question.

We’re considering an expansion into other anti-environmental causes as well. Baby seal clubbing could be a particularly lucrative market.

And unlike regular carbon offsets, we can guarantee that your Carbon-Offset Offset won’t be an inefficient scam. We’ll actually make a video of your Offset Offset and post it on our website. You may not be able to see each carbon atom enter the atmosphere, but you’ll still get the satisfaction of knowing that you made self-righteous people everywhere a little less happy.

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