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PETA. We need to have a talk.

I was browsing your Web site the other day, as is my wont when I need to remind myself not to exact corporal punishment on my dog for using my laptop as his personal toilet, and I noticed you’re still trying to rechristen “fish” as “sea-kittens.”

In fact, you’ve updated your Web site to include the option to “Create Your Own Virtual Sea Kitten” and accessorize it with everything from sunglasses to bowties to – wait for it — bras and panties. There’s even a helpful link to email a picture of a created sea kitten to a friend. If only I could add some Tartar sauce on top, it’d look perfect.

I spent about five minutes deciding whether to equip my Sea Kitten with an acoustic or an electric guitar. Do amps work underwater? How long will the wood last down there?

When the thing refused to play any music or even a single chord after I finally decided to equip it with a nice Stratocaster, I just turned off my computer. It’s the virtual equivalent of flushing a Sea Kitten down a toilet, if you will.

Then it hit me: This is insane. One week Cher’s daughter becomes a man, the next I can design my own personal digital cross-dressing hipster fish in less than a minute. We live in a troubled, troubled world.

MY SEA KITTEN: I think I'll name him Ralph.

Before any morally self-righteous PETA fanatics get too fired up about this Sea Kitten fiasco, consider the hypocrisy at work here. It’s a little-known fact that PETA has mercilessly ended the lives of thousands of animals far smarter than fish – dogs, cats, puppies, and yes, even real kittens – because it could not find homes for them.

And yes, all of this information is official. According to a PETA report filed last year with Virginia’s Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, the organization put almost 95 percent of animals under its care to death. In fact, PETA only provided living arrangements for seven for the 2,216 pets it took ownership of in 2008.

You might ask why a multi-million dollar organization can find homes for fewer cats and dogs in a year than I could in a weekend with some friends.

Maybe PETA would rather spend the money on educating people about Sea Kittens than saving actual kittens. Those digitial critters aren’t going to accessorize themselves.

Or maybe PETA believes it’s simply sending abused or neglected or unwanted puppies to a better life in doggie heaven. Fish can’t go to heaven, of course, so that’s why the organization wants to save as many of them as possible before they expire for good.

Or maybe PETA really stands for “People Enjoying Terminating Animals.” Zing! The simplest explanation’s always best, right?

I decided to check around PETA’s site a bit to get inside the minds of these people. Who knows what they might be cooking up in the throes of their hypocritical passion?

There’s a 12,000-strong petition full of people who ask, “Who would want to put a hook through a sea kitten?” Contrasted with the 100,000-plus Facebook users who were willing to publically profess their desire to “nail Sarah Palin” while still voting for Obama, that may not seem so impressive.

Still, 12,000 people signing a PETA petition is nothing to mess with. Consider this sizzling analogy: That’s how many people crammed into Colorado University on April 20 to smoke marijuana. Imagine trying to get that crowd to clear out. Now imagine they’re smoking something much, much stronger.

“Sea kittens are just as intelligent as dogs and cats,” reads a PETA press release. “Some sea kittens gather information by eavesdropping on others!”

And as for why you never hear about this? I guess every time a Sea Kitten Congress tried to formally institute an underwater NSA, a hook ended its parade. Or my jetski. Yeah, it was probably my jetski — I’m pretty careless out there.

Here’s another eye-popping claim: “Some sea kittens—such as a type of South African sea kittens that lays eggs on leaves so that they can be carried to a safe place—even use tools.”

Actually, that’s not so unreasonable. It may well be the case that some sea kittens in South Africa “use tools.” Judging by the way they’ve apparently manipulated PETA in dedicating their entire organization to renaming them, I’d say fish use tools better than even PETA knows.

I’ll admit it. The real reason for all this facetiousness is that I recently had a falling out with a girl who just hated to eat fish. I never bothered to figure out if it was because she didn’t like the taste or if it had something to do with PETA mind pollution, but I’m going to go with the latter because fish are just too tasty.

Oh, and there’s one other reason. PETA, you asked Phish to change its name to “Sea Kittens” in the same open letter you claimed that fish “show affection by gently rubbing against other fish.” Seriously? You’ve got a chance to address Phish in front of a national audience, and you bring up dry humping? It’s a good thing jazz fusion isn’t my thing, or I’d feel even more insulted.

So, PETA, let’s review. You need to reign in your crusade of moral self-righteousness and “social justice.” Tug on the line a little bit. When you lose all control like my jetski does, nobody wins.

Especially not the fish.

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